...when i was a kid, i wanted to grow up, so i could do the things i wanted to, when i wanted to. It bothered me that i had a parent that controlled my actions. Funny how time has changed the feeling i have in being controlled, eh? i still do not like it when my Mother does it, especially since i am in my 40's, but she will never stop being my Mother and trying to have a say in my life - i make a conscious effort to not be bothered by it now *wink*
...as i grew up, i wanted certain moments to last forever. Moments that had me feeling invincible, powerful, in rhythm with the universe, at the right place at the right time, saying the right things when people needed to hear it, hear the right things to confirm i was on the right path towards reaching and even surpassing my goals and dreams.
...As an adult, there were moments where i wanted time to slow down, so i could enjoy all the things life blessed me with and not just let it all pass me by like watching a movie of my life, but i allowed myself to back into a corner and play it safe for a while, not taking chances, not stepping out of my comfort zone, not having the courage it takes to make a difference in my life and the lives of those around me.
...Then there came a time when i wanted every second to last a lifetime, for it was when i rediscovered who i am and what my purpose(s) was in life. i broke out of the safe box i was frozen in and really allowed the butterfly in me to fly, to spread my pedals and blossom, each day a new day to explore new possibilities of happiness and fulfillment.
...i am now experiencing a moment in my life when i want to saver each memory i create...with my family, at my job, in my Buddhist practice, self-reflection and with Master. The hard part has been to remain patient and not rush or push ahead of myself and natural progression of things. Knowing SirW and i are on a path towards being together permanently has me beyond excited, but i also have days where i ache for Him so badly that it has allowed some sadness to creep in and take hold of me.
Throughout my life, i was always told that i should suffer what there is to suffer, enjoy what there is to enjoy and regard both suffering and joy as a part of life. Saying this is sometimes easier than practicing it, but i try to live the vow i made every day, setting a good example of one who really rides every wave and does not merely exist, not letting life dictate my destiny.
So, while i am suffering with the longing right now, i know in my heart how incredible and bright the future is and that before i know it, the moment that presents itself for SirW and i to finally be together will arrive, so i am determined to enjoy every moment of every day - the good and the bad - and participate and engaged myself in everything i do.
just had to vent this out - so glad i have a blog to release my thoughts, because keeping things like this in are not healthy for me and this time in my life is about great health: Spiritual, Physical, Relationships, Career, etc. - total and complete health in all aspects of my life...balance.