Thursday, October 25, 2012

for no reason...and for every reason

As i sit here alone and in comfort on this beautiful Canadian Autumn morning, i breathe in His scent and look around the room with love in my heart and smile with absolute contentment.  i am where i was destined to be...with Him.  Remembering the days when We first met and the distance they carried between Us have me feeling blessed and overjoyed, for i am finally  home.  i have all that i need in Him and Our world and am bursting at the seems with abundant happiness.  Each day, to wake with Him by my side is a blessing that makes me feel like the richest woman on this Earth.  It occurs to me that i fall in love with Him all over again...for no reason...and for every reason, again and again, every day.  Were the end of days to come tomorrow, i can honestly say that i am fulfilled. 

Monday, October 15, 2012

A Little Lost

i lost control yesterday and yelled at the kids...sometimes i hate being human!

Without going into too much detail, i have been struggling with my health now for quite some time.  From allergies to Eczema to double pink eye and various other issues that have me feeling less than comfortable in my own skin.  i've tried really hard to maintain control of my emotions, but find it nearly impossible to contain, but i am determined to overcome all obstacles that present themselves.  i feel like i am being tested and know that i can win or lose the small and/or big battles i face on a daily basis.  i choose to win!  i will break through the health karma i am experiencing and emerge a victor!

BUT, yesterday i came home to a filthy kitchen and lost child did empty the dishwasher, but neither of them cleaned up the dishes.  Now i must say that the children are suppose to clean up after themselves and most of the dishes were created by me and SirW the night before...Master said to leave it for the kids to do.  Not only were Our dishes there, but one child decided that since We left Our mess, she was not going to clean her mess either.  Being sick and exhausted from my health issues, i was so irritated by this.  Normally, i would just ask one of them to do the dishes and they would sigh and get to it, but today i lost control and yelled, stating that it was inconsiderate and bitched (swearing like a sailor).

i broke down in silent tears as i angrily cleaned the kitchen then went for a walk to release tension.  It was only a few minutes after i started walking when SirW called to have me pick Him up from being around the corner, so i turned around...i noticed the kids leaving the house and learned later that they texted their Dad to let Him know that they would be staying at their Mom's house that night. 

SirW calmed me down, but i am disappointed with myself for losing control.  i have no idea how the children will behave when they make their way back to Our house.  SirW said i had every right to get upset and should not feel bad about getting mad with them, but i cannot stop thinking about how it could undo all the good things i have done for the kids.  This is my first experience in a parental role and feel like i am not doing it very well.  i don't know if i should apologize for losing control or to let things be and take their natural course, so until i feel like i know what to do, i will just wait and play it by ear when i see the kids again.

i feel a little lost and broken, so i am going to go pray (chant) now...that usually calms me down and allows me to get a grip ~smiles~

Thursday, October 4, 2012

His sacrifice

A couple of days ago, the bratty side of me reared its head...there is good humor and bad humor and when it disrespects my Master (joking or not), it is bad.  Thankfully, i can always count on my Master to bring me back to obedience ~smiles sweetly~

Here's what happened:

SirW and i were outside relaxing with some wine and chatting about various things when the subject of water came up.  The kind of water that sits on a cooler and it very heavy to pick up and load when you get a new/full one.  He told me to take His son with me to the store to handle the water.  i stated that if i did not have a couple of bad discs in my lower back, i would be able to lift the water by myself, but He insisted that He would not allow me to do that...that's when i sassed Him and said something like, "Well...You would not know about it because the water would be there and there would be no mention of how it got there.  Just kidding!

He did not particularly like that, but He knew i was just kidding...He said nothing.  Sometimes, things like that sit with me (and perhaps Him - i am not sure) and eat at me.  This is probably due to one of His rules, which says, "i will tell my Dom when i need to be punished and why."  Yesterday, i went up to SirW and told Him i needed to be punished.  He asked me why, so i told Him it was because i sassed Him about the water bottle.  He told me that it did not require punishment, but it would be dealt with in the form of a correction.

Last night came and He told me to come up with the correction.  In the past, SirW's corrections are always clever and are related to the crime, if you will and always teach me a lesson.  i tried to think of something that would be fitting the crime, but was at a loss.  He said either i come up with it, or He will and double the correction, but alas i could not think straight, so He came up with the correction(s) Himself:  For the following morning, i was not allowed to bring His coffee to His nightstand prior to Him wakening, nor was i allowed to touch/caress His back like i love doing to wake Him gently.

Wow...the sacrifice He makes in order to train me is amazing...He takes away something that He likes, which just kills me inside.  The lights were off by that time, so i felt safe to cry silent tears, when He said, "No tears kitten."  So, i swallowed them back and drifted off to sleep, as did He.

Morning came all to abruptly and, as usual, i got out of bed and went downstairs to make the coffee, but i did not bring a cup up for Him and i felt so sad that He would wake up and not have it.  i climbed into bed and waited for His alarm to sound off, and when it did and i was not permitted to touch His back, i felt a knot in my stomach...the denial of these things really hurt me and touched me at the same time, for i knew it was for my growth as His submissive.  For this reason, i am grateful to Him. 

Sir, thank You for hurting me, Sir...i feel the sacrifice You made in order to help me grow ~smiles with bright eyes~

Training is an ongoing part of Our lives.  As His submissive, i am thankful for the opportunity to learn and grow.  These things help me know myself more than i would otherwise and self-realization can be very profound and eye-opening. 

One of my favorite Buddhist terms is, "HoNimMyo" - this means from this moment onward.  When ever i have a punishment or correction, i view it as an opportunity to be the person i want to be from that moment on.  i do not look back and dwell, for i know these things, which sometimes hurt me, are what will make me perfect (for Him).  It's like a famous quote i love by C. S. Lewis:

"We are like blocks of stone, out of which the sculptor carves the forms of men.  The blows of His chisel, which hurt us so much are what make us perfect."

Sir...on this day, i kneel before You and freely submit to You in all ways.  i thank You for all past days You've accepted my submission and for loving me so completely.

Wednesday, October 3, 2012

i am His (Itchy Bitch)

While there are things happening in my life i am not happy about and or will change in time, they are all overshadowed by the more important fact that i am His.  i am human...i am real and have ups and downs just like the next person, but i am comforted in so many ups are twice as fantastic and my downs are half as bad. 

OK, so what are the things that are bothering me? 

Well...since i moved to Canada, my allergies have been out of control.  My eyes are very itchy, red and watery, even with allergy medicine, which usually makes me drowsy (even when it says non-drowsy). 

My Eczema has resurfaced on my fingers, making it difficult to complete day-to-day tasks, as well as tasks assigned by my Master.  My fingers are raw, cracking and bleeding in some is a tad painful and looks disgusting, making me feel less attractive and want to hide my hands behind my back or by wearing gloves (A seperate post called, "The Girl with the White Gloves" is in my alternate blog "White Picket Fence Girl").

About a week ago, i got another yeast infection (i am starting to think i have "Itchy Karma") *giggles*

So, summing it up, i have itchy eyes, fingers and pussy...just writing that made me laugh, but it is no laughing makes me upset, for i cannot perform the way i like to and am capable of.  It's not just about not having sex with SirW (He will use His other avenues if/when He sees fit to), but the connection i feel when We are intimate is lacking for me a little and i miss it. 

While i am left feeling inadequate and unable to give Him my best 'service', if you will, He has shown me a lot of compassion - i am grateful to have such a kind and patient Dom/Husband/Lover/Friend.  i am so lucky to get all i need from my One and that is why it hurts to not be able to be all things He needs while my health continues to be an issue.

i realize these things are temporary and will change, so i am not allowing it to consume me or make room for depression.  i am using my energy to complete the tasks i can and accept the fact that i have some temporary limits and that it in no way makes me less of a good submissive to Him.  He knows in my heart, i want what He please Him in all ways and when my health allows, i will resume with all the things i am having a challenge with currently, so it's all good.

As i have said in the past, most of my posts will be positive and hopefully inspiring, but when i have issues, i am still going to share them with you because it is a part of who i am...i am His.