i lost control yesterday and yelled at the kids...sometimes i hate being human!
Without going into too much detail, i have been struggling with my health now for quite some time. From allergies to Eczema to double pink eye and various other issues that have me feeling less than comfortable in my own skin. i've tried really hard to maintain control of my emotions, but find it nearly impossible to contain, but i am determined to overcome all obstacles that present themselves. i feel like i am being tested and know that i can win or lose the small and/or big battles i face on a daily basis. i choose to win! i will break through the health karma i am experiencing and emerge a victor!
BUT, yesterday i came home to a filthy kitchen and lost it...one child did empty the dishwasher, but neither of them cleaned up the dishes. Now i must say that the children are suppose to clean up after themselves and most of the dishes were created by me and SirW the night before...Master said to leave it for the kids to do. Not only were Our dishes there, but one child decided that since We left Our mess, she was not going to clean her mess either. Being sick and exhausted from my health issues, i was so irritated by this. Normally, i would just ask one of them to do the dishes and they would sigh and get to it, but today i lost control and yelled, stating that it was inconsiderate and bitched (swearing like a sailor).
i broke down in silent tears as i angrily cleaned the kitchen then went for a walk to release tension. It was only a few minutes after i started walking when SirW called to have me pick Him up from being around the corner, so i turned around...i noticed the kids leaving the house and learned later that they texted their Dad to let Him know that they would be staying at their Mom's house that night.
SirW calmed me down, but i am disappointed with myself for losing control. i have no idea how the children will behave when they make their way back to Our house. SirW said i had every right to get upset and should not feel bad about getting mad with them, but i cannot stop thinking about how it could undo all the good things i have done for the kids. This is my first experience in a parental role and feel like i am not doing it very well. i don't know if i should apologize for losing control or to let things be and take their natural course, so until i feel like i know what to do, i will just wait and play it by ear when i see the kids again.
i feel a little lost and broken, so i am going to go pray (chant) now...that usually calms me down and allows me to get a grip ~smiles~