i lost control yesterday and yelled at the kids...sometimes i hate being human!
Without going into too much detail, i have been struggling with my health now for quite some time. From allergies to Eczema to double pink eye and various other issues that have me feeling less than comfortable in my own skin. i've tried really hard to maintain control of my emotions, but find it nearly impossible to contain, but i am determined to overcome all obstacles that present themselves. i feel like i am being tested and know that i can win or lose the small and/or big battles i face on a daily basis. i choose to win! i will break through the health karma i am experiencing and emerge a victor!
BUT, yesterday i came home to a filthy kitchen and lost it...one child did empty the dishwasher, but neither of them cleaned up the dishes. Now i must say that the children are suppose to clean up after themselves and most of the dishes were created by me and SirW the night before...Master said to leave it for the kids to do. Not only were Our dishes there, but one child decided that since We left Our mess, she was not going to clean her mess either. Being sick and exhausted from my health issues, i was so irritated by this. Normally, i would just ask one of them to do the dishes and they would sigh and get to it, but today i lost control and yelled, stating that it was inconsiderate and bitched (swearing like a sailor).
i broke down in silent tears as i angrily cleaned the kitchen then went for a walk to release tension. It was only a few minutes after i started walking when SirW called to have me pick Him up from being around the corner, so i turned around...i noticed the kids leaving the house and learned later that they texted their Dad to let Him know that they would be staying at their Mom's house that night.
SirW calmed me down, but i am disappointed with myself for losing control. i have no idea how the children will behave when they make their way back to Our house. SirW said i had every right to get upset and should not feel bad about getting mad with them, but i cannot stop thinking about how it could undo all the good things i have done for the kids. This is my first experience in a parental role and feel like i am not doing it very well. i don't know if i should apologize for losing control or to let things be and take their natural course, so until i feel like i know what to do, i will just wait and play it by ear when i see the kids again.
i feel a little lost and broken, so i am going to go pray (chant) now...that usually calms me down and allows me to get a grip ~smiles~
Don't beat yourself up too much.... As a stepkid and as a parent. It's hard all the way around. As I stepkid I know I sometimes pushed and did things I knew would piss my stepdad off, honestly natural children do it to their parents by blood, adopted children do it... It';s kind of a kid thing to be honest.... Especially once they hit preteen/teen stage. LOL As a parent of two children, (mine are REALLY young though) I admit that I have also lost my mind, and yelled when I should have kept my cool. We are only human, and sometimes things happen that we arent proud of. If you can acknowledge it, and make the commitment to try and be better than that is all you can do. Hopefully if you apologize to them, acknowledge your mistake in losing your mind, they will too, and everyone can forgive and move forward. Good luck.
ReplyDeleteThe oldest (18 year old girl) got home today and went straight up to her room without a word or a glance in my direction. She went outside a couple of times to go out for a smoke, but has locked herself up in her room the entire day.
ReplyDeleteWhen the youngest (16 year old boy) got home, he immediately apologized for yesterday, which was so cute. i told him that i appreciated the fact that he emptied the dishwasher and all he does around the house and admitted that i had regrets for losing my cool yesterday and that i could have handled the situation better.
i am new to the family - there will be moments when we don't agree and/or get along, but it doesn't have to be the end of our relationships. i really am sorry for the way i handled my disappointment and hope i get the opportunity to let my step-daughter know this, but i am not going to beat myself up about it.
Will update when able :)
thanks for your comment - i do appreciate it!
oh kitten things like this will happen, teenagers are hard to handle especially when you havent been a parent before. but how lovely of the boy to come and apologise to you, boys are like that girls are more tempermental. You done the best thing in thanking him for all that he does and he will appreciate that, and hopefully when the girl speaks to you you will be able to address what happened and move forward, but girls can hold a grudge...lol
ReplyDeletehope things word out for you all..sooner rather than later.
but take care of you, you need to be a good place yourself to cope with lifes events, so dont be hard on yourself
Hugs
blossom x
Here's an update:
ReplyDeleteYesterday, before i left for French class, i marinaded steak for the family to eat after i had gone to class...i still had not seen Our daughter all day, but was told by my Master that He would be having a serious talk with her while i was away.....
When i arrived home, i was told that Our daughter stormed out of the house...she did not come home, we went to bed...it was hard for SirW fall asleep due to His worry for Our daughter, but We managed to sleep. In the morning, after SirW and Our son left for school & work, i heard her come home, but i had gone back to bed to catch up on my restless nights due to my current health issues. When i came downstairs around noon, she was on the couch, so as i walked passed her, i said, "Hey." She asked me how i was feeling and we started talking ...after a few minutes, i let he know that i was sorry for blowing up at her and admitted that i could have handled my disappointment better. She also apologized for making things worse when things got heated. We hugged it out and things seem to be back on track for us.
i truly appreciate the support guys - being a parent is very new and extremely important to me.
~huggles~
thanks for the update kitten, so glad to hear you have worked things out...smiles
ReplyDeleteblossom x