Most of my posts are positive and happy, but there are moments that anxiety creeps in...
Before i met my Sir, i spent many years wanting to have a certain figure. It isn't that i find myself not sexy with the figure i have, but i have a different idea of what i think is flawless versus what my Sir thinks is flawless. i am grateful that my body type is the type of body that He finds flawless. W/we are two separate people with two brains that are unique and will have a difference of opinion and i want to be able to view myself without taking away from His view of me, but it's not easy...
He will be coming for a visit in 15 days, and believe me when i say that i am beyond excited. W/we have made so many wonderful plans, including the collaring ceremony. i also look forward to the spankings He owes me (well over 200!), the flogging, the paddling, the nipple-clamping and pegging, the oh-so-dreamt of hair pulling, not to mention the touching, rubbing, caressing, kissing, sucking, fucking, etc. *bites lower lip*
Sir has told me over and over He wants me to see myself as He sees me, and i want to...so badly, but i seem to stand in my own way when it comes to my body. In fact, He has had me sit in front of a full length mirror in self reflection. He has told me all the things He sees in me from the top of my head to the tips of my toes and i don't doubt for a second that He finds all of me delicious. In no way do i feel He is trying to be patronizing or anything less than honest about how attractive and sexy He finds me. i feel damn sexy - sexier than i have my whole life honestly, but W/we are all a work in progress...for me, i would love to be more toned and muscular so that these outfits make me feel as hot as Sir finds me.
i have always been a big-boned girl, especially since i was raised around Asian people and they have typically been tiny people that i have towered over.
It's not that i feel fat, no, that's not how i feel, but when He calls me petite, it really makes me giggle inside. i am 5 feet 7 inches tall, size 14, with a size 10 shoes and actually size 10 finger (ring size) and while there is nothing i can do about the feet or hands, i can do something about my size.
Clothes look pretty good on me - hell i feel sexy in and out of the clothes i where, BUT being new to this lifestyle, the "slutty" clothes give me a self conscious feeling, as my curves are more obvious to me when i wear them. It has taken me a while to overlook the pockets of flesh that pop when i get roped in bondage. *smiles* Please know that i do not want to be a stick figure with bones protruding out or anything too tooth-picky...
Above all else though, i want to please my Sir, so i know that this issue is mine and something i need to overcome. After all, if Sir drools over me in a slutty outfit, does it matter if i feel like it would look better if i were the size i wished i were?
i need to let go of what my opinion of flawless is and allow myself to see myself as He sees me, and this is what i am working on...i just wanted to get this out there to all the others that might be struggling with this or something image related.
One of Sir's rules is, "i will Serve, Worship, Obey, Please and Love my Dom unconditionally" and that encompasses a lot, so i will do my best to overcome my own limitations of my brain n order to grow on my submissive journey!
--kitten for Sir