Friday, May 6, 2011
kitten learned a very valuable lesson the other day. It was so important that i feel compelled to share it.
Now, the event that took place happened about a week or so ago and i did not write about it because i wanted to sit on it and look at my responsibility and find the silver lining to it first. i do this because i am a very positive person who believes in the law of Cause and Effect, being raised a Buddhist (a story for another post for sure!). Next time, i think i will just come right out with it and save myself some self-inflicted heartache (And Sir too).
It's also important for me to share this, so that everyone sees that my submissive journey also has moments that are not always about love and warm fuzzy feelings - Sir and i are human and are discovering things as W/we go along, just like any other relationship (Ups and Downs, Good and Bad, which all equal "Lessons Learned" if you’re lucky)
Here's what happened:
First, let me inform everyone that i am physically unable to produce children. i have known this since i was a teen when i learned that i was born without a uterus. Also, i was born very allergic to all animals and a ton of foods, among other things, including strange reactions to the Sun and other natural things in our environment...
HOWEVER, i grew out of all my allergies in my early 30's, and the first thing I wanted to do was to get a puppy! I got Angelo, then a year later, his playmate, Sofia.
Long story short, i have been loving and taking care of my 2 dogs (Angelo who is 11 years old and Sofia - age 10) like a mother would her children...
Now, i need to interject that my baby boy (dog), Angelo was not feeling well, and had not been feeling well for a couple of days (A couple of years ago, he started shaking violently and after testing found that he had Pancreatitis and other stomach sensitivities, but I changed his diet to one that i make fresh: beef, rice, veggies, corn oil and doggie vitamin power all Vet-approved and he stopped shaking immediately - i was overjoyed!) and started to shake here and there again, which usually means pain of some sort, so it kills me and makes it hard to focus with the stress of it all.
SO...Sir and i were training last week, as W/we do regularly (nearly every night, unless W/we have things W/we need to do to each maintain a balanced life)…
Anyway, i told Sir that i was sort of distracted due to Angelo not feeling well, but i did not make it undeniably clear that my mental state was not where it needed to be in order to focus on O/our training - this was a HUGE mistake...
Sir suggested that i take Angelo our for a walk to allow him to "release" what may be in his tummy, if you know what i mean *wink*, so i thanked Him for the suggestion - He also asked me to put on my temporary collar and wear it as i walked Angelo (my temporary collar is a ball gag turned around, so you cannot see the ball portion for those that do not know that). So, i turned away from the computer screen (W/we skype as W/we do not live in the same state for those who are not aware of that), and attempted to console and rub the tummy of my baby boy before i took him for a walk...then i got up, put the leash on my baby and out the door i went. Angelo did not do much out there, so i returned and was sad that my baby was not feeling well...
When i got back to the computer screen, Sir asked me if my temporary collar (ball gag) was nearby. i told Him it was in the other room and He asked me to get it, so i did. He then asked me if i had a pair of scissors handy and i told Him yes and he asked me to grab those as well, so i did. He then asked me to cut the collar on the side of the ball and i did that without hesitation. Then, He said, "There, now you won't have the problem of remembering to put that on when i ask you to do so" and kitten's heart began to bleed and my eyes welled up with tears that stained my face and flowed like a river.
He is my Dom, i am His submissive and that was a punishment for not obeying His command and i respect that. What He is not, however, is a mind reader. It is kitten's responsibility to be communicative when it comes to my frame of mind, especially when W/we are not present for O/our training and it is done over skype and difficult to get a sense of that.
W/we continued to train and my tears continued to flow. He knew this was harsh, but necessary for my growth on my submissive journey. It was not easy for Him to have me do this and He told me that he weighed things in His mind before making the decision that He stands by and that i now completely understand and respect. The next day, O/our schedules did not allow U/us to connect and the events of the previous day still had me so sad and hurt. The following day, W/we connected, but i did not want to show my sadness, so i hid it from him in order to let time turn it into a "lessons learned" situation, which only allowed some anger and frustration to enter me. The following morning, i woke up and began to weep hysterically at the thought of cutting of my temporary collar and so, i decided to write Sir an email and express my feelings.
That night, Sir and i talked a lot. W/we talked about my email and how it showed frustration and anger. W/we also talked about not waiting to communicate feelings. W/we also talked about the use of my SAFEWORD...
Being a new submissive, my understanding of using the SAFEWORD was off. i was under the impression that it was to be used if/when pain became too great to endure and this is not the only time is should be invoked. He explained that the SAFEWORD was something I should have used and He would have stopped O/our training and things would have gone in a completely different direction.
ATTENTION SUBMISSIVES: If you need whatever is going on to stop, say the SAFEWORD! If you find yourself in the wrong state of mind, use the SAFEWORD! It is there to stop things, not matter what the reason, so do not be afraid to use it. Yes, you want to take as much as you can to please your Top, if you will, but the SAFEWORD is there to protect you.
The entire thing finally turned into a "Lessons Learned" moment for me and i am so grateful for that and felt compelled to share this information in case there are others that might not be protecting themselves when it is crucial.
SIDE NOTE: When Sir visited kitten, one of the first things He did was hand me a pretty little white box and when i opened it, a beautiful dainty butterfly necklace was revealed. Sir put that necklace on me and made sure i knew that this was the representation of O/our bond as W/we continued O/our relationship long distance, O/our commitment to each other, and my becoming a butterfly after my divorce. i mention this to convey that the temporary collar being cut, in no way represented O/our connection being disturbed at all. Also, the Eternity collar he ordered for me has arrived, so i look forward to that being placed on my neck by His hands sometime in the near future (kitten misses Him more than i can ever express in words).
Lastly, i want to say that Sir and i have grown so much as a result of this event and the communication that followed and continues to follow. My submissive journey and O/our relationship (D/s as well as Vanilla) continues…
i love Him so much for being such a great communicator, for His having the strength and courage to train me, even when it means it will hurt me emotionally. Being with Him has taught me so much about myself, so i am eternally grateful!
--kitten for Sir