adjustment period

i knew there would be an adjustment period with my moving to Canada.  i knew i was the Step mother that would take some of their Father's attention away from them to make room for me.  i did not think it would be easy for anyone involved.  And, for the most part, relations with the kids have been developing steadily.

But some days have me feeling like an intruder.  An outsider.  The new girl in school that wants to fit in. 

I mean, just because their Father loves me and wants to spend the rest of His life with me, does not mean the children have to love me and have a relationship with me.  It would be ideal, but it is something that i cannot force.  His son has accepted me much more than His daughter at this point.  Neither of them are mean to me, but i do sometimes feel like i am in the way of the life they were living.

My hope is that i can affect their lives in a positive way by setting a good example in front of them.  i am human and have emotions though, so there are times when i am sensitive and/or get frustrated with situations just like the next person.  The kids have these feelings too.  Dealing with all of it is not easy, but i hope that time will allow the kids to see that i care about their well-being and happiness.

Being their Step mom does not mean i will ever feel like a mom or that they will see me as a parent, but i hope in time, they will see me as family and truly love me for me.  

Today i do not feel it, today i am a little sad...

LDR's - They can work!

A question was posted on Fetlife that asked for ways to maintain a D/s or M/s LDR - i thought i would repost my response here, in case it helps someone who reads my blogs:

SirW and i started as a LDR...We weren't even in the same country.  We were lucky to skype nearly every night - this is where He trained me as His submissive.  Aside from the training every night, He gave me instructions, tasks, rituals and assignments on a daily basis.  His active Dominance kept Him on my mind and me feeling completely submissive, even thousands of miles apart.  BUT...Trust is crucial.  The basic pillars must be upheld in order for any LDR to work.

So, what are some of the things that i was expected to do?

Morning ritual (this varied from day to day, from sitting on my knees in front of a mirror, looking at myself and appreciating what SirW sees in me.  His vision of me was amazing and i started to see it after a while - it wasn't that i had low self esteem, but what i considered to be flaws, He saw as beautiful imperfections that made me perfect for Him.  Some days, He would have me read (a book of His choice, usually BDSM related).  Some days, He would have me play and release before work.  What ever the morning ritual was, i looked forward to it, as it made me feel closer to Him than We actually were.

Each day, i was given 3 words to be used in 3 different sentences with 3 different people (without them knowing).  This was a challenge that i enjoyed.  At the end of each day, i would email Him my Word Task Report (WTR).  He enjoyed reading them and made Him feel closer to me and what my day entailed.

As mentioned, We skyped nearly every night.  We would talk about Our day, listen to music, read a book to each other, play online scrabble (We also played World of Warcraft together) and We trained.  Training was sometimes my roping myself with His instructions, nipple torture, playing with myself and practicing orgasm control.  Sometimes, We would face the camera toward the kitchen, prepare a meal at the same time and then get dressed, light candles and have a romantic dinner together.  We even clinked the computer screen to toast with Our wine glasses (lol).
During the day (at work), i wold get surprise text messages that would tell me to clamp or play for 10 minutes...i loved these surprises: they made my day.

We did all this for a whole 2 months before We ever met in person...by Our first meeting, We were so comfortable with each other that Our actual union was out of this world.

After 6 months, He collared me as His submissive.  A year later, after skyping nightly, meeting every few months or so, i moved to Canada and on Our 1 year collaring ceremony, We got married and now live harmoniously as Dom/sub, as well as Husband and wife and are very happy :)

i am so alive!!!

As i drifted off to sleep last night, a million things ran through my head (as usual).  Thoughts of a snowy-white Christmas, the New Year, all that had happened over the last couple of years...my life has changed so much!  One of the final thoughts before i fall asleep is how happy i am right here, right now...a sense of deep appreciation washes over me and i sleep.

The next sound i hear is the alarm and i am disappointed because i was having a very action-packed vivid dream about racing to the site of a concert...can't recall which concert, but it was in Vegas and i had great seats at the top of a new hotel and i was having trouble getting there and when it seemed i was about to make it, the alarm went off - lol, figures :)

i finally get up and make my way downstairs to make coffee and, again, a deep sense of gratitude hits me - i feel it warm me from my face to my toes and feel like doing cartwheels (but i don't). 

Some say the newlywed phase fades after time...all i know is that i have felt the butterflies every time i even think about SirW over the past couple of years.  When i actually see Him, my body becomes weak and His cunt twitches with excitement!  i cannot help it :)  Of course, there are kids in the house, so i don't jump Him, but i love that i really want to...i have a sexual stimulation that sticks with me every day and i love it!

i did not feel like i was settling when i got married the first time, but i never felt these feelings for my previous husband...i did not know i could feel this way until i met SirW, so i am taken by surprise with these feelings and cherish them every day.

Nothing major to report in this blog, just that i am flooded with true joy that feels like the sun is bursting through every pore of my body - i am so alive!!!

Cause & Effect & D/s

There are times we ask the universe, "Why?" Why did this happen or why hasn''t this happened? The thing about Cause & Effect is that in most cases, we do not see the link from one to the other, so all the things that happen in our lives, while are the result of the past causes we've made, are effects from the past, possibly even a past life (karma chain), if you believe in reincarnation. Since there is no actual proof of what happens to us after we die, many people live there lives differently.

Some live it without guilt and fear of consequences and create negative fortune in their lives and wonder why bad things happen to them. Remember now, Causes are Words, Thoughts and Actions and we might be surprised to know all the negative things people think and do not say, but even if no one hears it, it's a cause.

Some live it by doing the right thing when ever possible, helping others, going above and beyond the norm to make an impact on the world or at least, their immediate environment, making as many good causes as possible. There will always be slip-ups, where negativity manifests its ugly head, but for the most part, people that live this way generally live a peaceful life.

Some live it by making good causes but meet obstacle after obstacle and struggle continuously...why it that? Again, the effects we see now are the result of past causes and for this reason, if someone lives their life creating value every day but are met with adversity, the causes were made in their past life.

Fortunately, we have the opportunity to create value right now, every day, thereby setting up positive effects for our future, as well as future life, if it exists.

Since there is no actual proof of a next existance after this one, we are given the choice of how we want to live. So what feels better? Doing the right thing or the wrong thing? Well, in most cases doing the wrong thing might have immediate gratification, but bad for karma. Doing the right thing might not feel so good up front, but I find that the fortune eventually catches up and beneficial effects are inevitable.

We are not forced to believe in the law of Cause and Effect, nor are we forced to believe in the law of Gravity, but hey...every time I throw and apple up into the air, it falls back down, so I do not need to believe in it, it just existgs as one of the laws of the universe. The same can be said of Cause and Effect.

So if you are one who keeps making good causes and are constantly met with obstacles and struggles, keep on keeping on, for it will catch up!

A friend once told me that when we are standing still, we do not feel the wind as much as when we are moving forward - then the wind (resistance) is felt...but it means we are moving forward, so keep going, never give up hope that your current situation will change. Just as Winter never fails to turn into Spring, your causes will manifest into effects and the fortune built will manifest too.

SOOO...how can this be related to BDSM?

My BDSM relationship started out as a LDR...me in the US, my Dom in Canada. In every relationship, you need to have trust, but when it comes to a D/s LDR, it is up to you to be honest, respectful, trustworthy and obedient. When my Dom set forth His rules for me to follow, i followed them. If i played with myself without asking, i admitted it and asked for punishment, because one of His rules is i will ask first...another is to tell Him when i need to be punished and why. Would He have known if i did not tell Him? No. That is where 'Cause and Effect' comes into play. Just because no one sees a cause - if it is made, an effect is attached to it.

Remember: words, thoughts and actions are all causes. It is very hard to have always have positive words, thoughts and actions because We are human...all We can do it try Our best to say, think and do the right thing.

Keep in mind, when you are faced with a situation where your emotions want to react negatively, you have a choice. The things others do and say is their karma...Our reaction is what will affect Our karma.

Our Lovely Community

i entered this lifestyle about 22 months ago.  i have met people with many different kinks.  There is however, a common thread that connects Us all on a mutual level.  We are people who are brave enough to step outside of the comfort zone box that society tries to place Us in and We support without judging each other.  It's like a kink club that binds Us as a type of family that understands Our alternate life choices.

i for one have had the pleasure to meet loads of people, both in Las Vegas and in Ottawa within Our lifestyle that have encouraged me and allowed me to support them in return.  i have learned so much through my experiences at BDSM clubs, BDSM websites, Adult Toy Stores and human interaction.  i have seen things i never thought i would see and am proud of who i am in this community, as well as in society as a whole.

i have had the great fortune to have been chosen to assist/volunteer for special events and am so grateful for these opportunities.  Not only does it give me a chance to practice my skills, it allows me to learn new things and take the load off those that are put in charge of these events.  i want to encourage more people to reach out to others for opportunities to volunteer within Our community - it is quite rewarding!

Lastly, i wish to thank all those that have been a part of my growth as a submissive.  To my phenomenal Dom, SirW:  i am honoured to serve & love You.  To my fellow submissives, thank you all for sharing your knowledge with me.  To the Dom's and Master's of the community, thank You for all the time and energy You spend being a great Dom/Master to your sub/slave and the rest of the people in the community who have the pleasure of learning and growing because of You.

Thank Y/You A/all for all the things Y/you do to support Our awesome community!